Friday, June 08, 2007

I don't want to start again...

As I near the end of my time at Cliff, my mind wanders off to one of my favourite films...Shawshank Redemption. I am reminded of the cons talking out on the yard about Brooks, an aged prisoner, being released after 50 years inside.

Red:These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.
Heywood: Shit. I could never get like that.
Prisoner: Oh yeah? Say that when you been here as long as Brooks has.
Red: Goddamn right. They send you here for life, and that's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyway.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not trying to imply that Cliff College has been in anyway like a prison to me, in fact, in my Christian walk, it has encouraged me into the greatest freedom. But I do fear that I am an institutionalized creature. In some ways, I don't want to lose all that I have gained from here, my passion, my learning and so on. In other ways, I worry that I will compare Cambridge to here.

Really, my greatest fear is what this all means. I have spent 3 years becoming a part of the furniture here, just as I spent 3 years trying to do that in my first degree at Huddersfield, over 3 years in teaching, and yet again, I must start again. New life, new part of the country (living so far south terrifies me...I don't want to lose my accent!!!), new friends, new course. I worry how I will fit in. I worry, will I find the strong friendships I have done here, will I keep in touch with those here, will they keep in touch with me?! I worry, will I be a token singleton. I worry, have I listened correctly to this really what He wants?

So I fall on the the words of Jesus...always a good place to fall.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matt 6:33-4

I know my destination, even if the way is a little uncertain. I'll just keep following my Shepherd.

R x

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