Writing writing writing...

The problem with long term research, is that sometimes I want to write about something else for a change! You're head gets so stuck in academic writing that, sometimes you just want to write about nothing, or something...just not, how the Old Testament treats the use of singing!

So, what shall I write about...I think I shall write about friendships. I consider my friendships unusual, when I try and compare them to everyone else's that is. But maybe, just maybe, I have misjudged what friendships are all about. I always assumed that your best friend was someone who would drop everything for you, the person who would always choose you over somebody or something else. That's what I used to think anyway, I guess because it never happened to me.

So I wonder, what does friendship mean to me? I have no 'best' friend, but I am blessed to have a heck of a lot of people that I care deeply about, and I'm pretty sure care deeply about me. I have old friends (I mean in terms of longevity, rather than age!), I have close friends (those who who know me better than sometimes I would like), and I have the one or two friends who I know I can tell anything to, without fear of judgment or that they 'may get the wrong impression of me'.

I guess I always thought that time spent with others rather than me, meant that they cared less for me. It's a horribly selfish thought really, I guess I've always just wanted to be at the centre of someone's attention, and yeah...I'll beat myself up for admitting that, but, one of those wonderful friends (I'm pretty sure you'll know who you are) taught me recently, friendship is like love...we don't have a quota for the day and when it's used up it's used up. So, my dear friends who read here, please don't ever think that if I haven't called you, or text you, or otherwise, that I care any less for you. Or if I cut you off (and yes...Moo I do mean you here!) because I have to go do something else it's because I want to get away from you. I am a fierce defender of my friends and friendships, and I pray that is something that will never change.

I wonder if the disciples ever felt like this? I mean, Jesus...the guy...the main man...everyone wants to be His best buddy, surely? He spends more time with some of the disciples, maybe He loves them more. He takes Peter off on his own to chat with him, He has to be the favourite, surely? I think I identify with Thomas. I think that maybe, Thomas felt like it was always the other guys who Jesus was closer to. I think that when Thomas doubts that Jesus is alive, it is more a case of, 'it's not fair...how come they got to see Him and I didn't?' And so stubbornness kicks in, 'I want to see it for myself.' I think that Thomas maybe wanted something of Jesus to hold to himself, something that was precious to just Him and Jesus. But the nature of Jesus...being God and all...doesn't chastise Thomas for that, but the God of intimacy, the God who wants each and every member of this human race to have a one-to-one relationship with Him, reaches out His hands to Thomas and says...'see, feel and believe'.

I thank God that He is the God of the personal and not the impersonal; the God of hand-holding, not safety reins; the God who understands our jealousies and speaks to them.

Gb
R x

I don't want to start again...

As I near the end of my time at Cliff, my mind wanders off to one of my favourite films...Shawshank Redemption. I am reminded of the cons talking out on the yard about Brooks, an aged prisoner, being released after 50 years inside.

Red:These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.
Heywood: Shit. I could never get like that.
Prisoner: Oh yeah? Say that when you been here as long as Brooks has.
Red: Goddamn right. They send you here for life, and that's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyway.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not trying to imply that Cliff College has been in anyway like a prison to me, in fact, in my Christian walk, it has encouraged me into the greatest freedom. But I do fear that I am an institutionalized creature. In some ways, I don't want to lose all that I have gained from here, my passion, my learning and so on. In other ways, I worry that I will compare Cambridge to here.

Really, my greatest fear is what this all means. I have spent 3 years becoming a part of the furniture here, just as I spent 3 years trying to do that in my first degree at Huddersfield, over 3 years in teaching, and yet again, I must start again. New life, new part of the country (living so far south terrifies me...I don't want to lose my accent!!!), new friends, new course. I worry how I will fit in. I worry, will I find the strong friendships I have done here, will I keep in touch with those here, will they keep in touch with me?! I worry, will I be a token singleton. I worry, have I listened correctly to God...is this really what He wants?

So I fall on the the words of Jesus...always a good place to fall.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matt 6:33-4

I know my destination, even if the way is a little uncertain. I'll just keep following my Shepherd.

Gb
R x