Had an interesting thought provoked by a wonderful friend of mine (you know the sort that you sort of wonder how on earth they got so intuitive...especially when they're at least 4 years your junior!!). I played and sang at an open mic night at college this evening, was very informal, and maybe only 20 people there, but I just did 'Summertime'...nothing too special about that. But...as this friend witnessed...I felt so much more relaxed and comfortable doing this than I seem to when playing worship songs.

Maybe there is something in this, maybe it's reading too much into things, but tonight I could close my eyes and sing and play...and it really didn't matter what happened, I was in my own little world. Now to me, really that's how I'd love my worship to be, in my own little world, with only me and God, but as I wrote last night, it just doesn't happen that way it seems!

Said friend pointed out that this was interesting! I honestly feel that I can worship God as well...if not better by singing something I know and love so well and being able to explore that using the gifts that God has given me, in a style that I truly love. Why does worship have to include words about God? Surely worship is as much about appreciating what he has given...and I think that as much as I play, I know that I would not be able to do so if it were not for my Father's generosity in His abundant blessings to me, therefore, all my music making is worship, as it is all for His glory.

I just wish I was a better pianist!

Ruth x

As my lovely Supervisor has given me a heads up on his blog, I think it's only fitting for me to do the same for him! Pete Phillips is the New Testament Tutor and Dean of students at Cliff College, I also teach two of his kids for music theory. Just waiting for the results of a grade 5 theory exam at the moment in fact! I'm not sure who's more nervous, me or him, as it's the first time i've ever entered a pupil for ABRSM exams under my own name rather than a music centre!

I led worship this evening at the final celebration of the college year. It really taught me a lot about how lonely a place it can be to be in that kind of leadership role. The challenges of worship leading have been something that has been on my mind a great deal over the past year as I have done more and more of this. I find it difficult to comprehend a time when I haven't played in worship, although really, before I arrived at Cliff College I hardly ever played in my home church as we have an extremely talented organist/pianist, and several others to boot who fill in when he's not around!

As a musician, I'm sure that others of you will agree that there is such an element of professionalism, ruled by perfectionism, that this often becomes a barrier to worship. I have felt this greatly this year and have taken time out in order to concentrate on what my worship is about. I struggle greatly with listening to poor quality bands and worship leading, but have had to come to terms with the fact that worship is less about whether the notes are right, and all about whether our hearts are right. For me, I find that no matter how much I try, I find I am always distracted somehow when playing. Sometimes that is simply by the most beautiful sight in the world...people praising God! However, I believe that God will work in and through me, despite what I say, play, sing or do. In my preparation, I put everything into God's hands, even if it doesn't feel like that when i'm onstage!

This evening has left me very physically, emotionally and spiritually drained. Other circumstances have of course aided this, not least that I had been on the go since 7am, and my organising brain has not stopped all day, and unfortunately, unless I expressely have someone who is capable of calming me down, then I usually get myself into a terrible fluster to the point of wanting to sit down and just cry! But, yet again, I received lovely compliments on the manner in which I led the worship. Again, something with which I struggle...I'd hate it if noone ever told me, but I struggle to receive praise, especially when I can see that things weren't by any means perfect and could have been much better tonight!

The loneliness of the worship leader is trying for someone, for whom company and support is vital. But we play for an audience of one, and I too often forget His pleasure in me using the gifts He so generously chose for me at the conception of time. This sort of leads me on to many other thoughts about music and God. I still can't get to grips with why God invented music, and why it has been such a key feature in Jewish and subsequently Christian worship? Is it for His pleasure or ours, or both? For if it is solely for His pleasure and purposes, does he delight as much in the music performed so beautifully by an atheist virtuoso as much as He delights in the worship song badly picked out on by the piano by the Christian, desperate to be able to play music to honour and worship God.

Some more thoughts...maybe the Holy Spirit is allowed more freedom to move in a tired brain!!

blessings to all, always,

Ruth x

So, back from mission in Dagenham. I've met some wonderful people and seen that there are still struggling churches that haven't given up yet, and are still willing to make a change despite their average age being well in a pensionable bracket!

So some more thoughts on God and music. Something that has intrigued me... when Bach and some other contemporaries wrote their music, the headed each piece 'AMDG' - Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam...'to the greater glory of God'. What impact does that now have on the contemporary performer and audience? If such a devoted spirituality can write such beautiful music, is there an element of the spiritual in the response of those performing and listening, even in the most secular of settings?

This also raises the question of an audiences' response to what they hear. Is it all to easy to confuse a spiritual repsonse with an emotional one, or to what extent is there a crossover?

I'll let you ponder!

Welcome to my blog...this is merely the beginning, so please excuse the lack of anything much interesting to read, but please return in a couple of weeks to see what I've been up to and maybe had a few musings on my research area for next year's MPhil!


Am off now to Dagenham on mission with Cliff College (where I currently study and will be continuing with an MPhil course in September!)

Please feel free to leave any initial thoughts on the subject of music, theology and evangelism. I'm musing on the nature of music at the moment, what did God create it for...and how does God see music? We treat it as a great gift from our Father so how can we utilise it (in most if not all genres) to speak to others about the nature of Him.

God bless you in your thinking and experiences x